“I” Instead of “You”: Assertive Communication

Préparation

• To encourage honest discussion and learning in a safe environment, this activity should be delivered in single-sex groups; i.e., only to men or only to women. The facilitators should also be the same sex as the participants in the group (i.e. women facilitators should facilitate activities among groups of women), especially for any sensitive discussions. This activity may be conducted with adolescents and youth, but considerations should be given toward conducting activities with individuals grouped by similar ages. It should be emphasized throughout the curriculum that violence should never be tolerated or accepted. 

• This activity can take place as a discussion and writing activity or just a discussion. If participants will write, have paper and pens/pencils ready for each participant.

Discussion: “You” and “I” Statements for Expressing Feelings

• Tell participants, “In this activity, we will discuss different ways of expressing our feelings. Sometimes, when we are upset at another person, we may be aggressive in how we express our anger. This can make the other person feel defensive and unwilling to find a solution to the problem. In this activity, we will learn ways to express our feelings that can help resolve disagreements.”
• Tell participants, “Listen to the following statements. Tell me what they have in common.” Write the statements on a flipchart paper if it would be helpful for participants.

• “You are a bad cook.”
• “You are too slow in your work.”
• “You never help me.”

• Listen to a few responses and tell participants, “All these statements express a feeling towards a problem. They also all start with “you” and point out a weakness in another person.”
• Tell participants, “Now listen to these statements. Tell me what they have in common:

• “I feel that the food is not salty enough.”
• “I often have to wait for you to complete your work.”
• “I feel like I have to take care of most chores in the home.”

• Listen to a few responses and tell participants, “These statements express a feeling towards a problem. However, they all start with “I” and focus on the feeling of the person who is speaking.”
• Ask participants, “Which types of statements are better – the statements that begin with “you” or the statements that begin with “I”? Why?”
• Listen to a few responses and tell participants, “Statements that begin with “I” and express our feelings, rather than blame the other person for weakness or mistake, can help open conversations about ways to address a problem.

Discussion: Describing Feelings Using “I” Statements

• Tell participants, “‘I’ statements should have several types of information:
  • How you feel (example: “I feel concerned…”, “I feel stressed…”, “I feel confused…”)
  • Reason for your feeling (example: “I feel stressed when I have so many responsibilities to take care of”)
  • What you would like from the person you are speaking to (example: “I would like help taking care of many responsibilities at home”). Saying “I would like…” expresses a feeling rather than a demand (such as, “you must…”)”
• If it would help, write these three components on paper for all participants to see. An example of what to write is below:

 

Part of the “I” statement	Example
How you feel	“I feel concerned/stressed/confused…”
Reason for your feeling	“I feel… when…”
What you would like from the person you are speaking to	“I would like help with…”

Implementation: Practicing “I” Statements

• Divide participants into same-sex pairs.
• Tell participants:

• “In your pairs, one person should think about a problem you have with your partner, your sister or brother, your mother or father, or another person that they would like to fix. 
• In your pairs, discuss and prepare “I” statements that describe the feeling about a problem, the reason for the feeling, and the request for change or address the problem.
• Once the first “I” statement is prepared, the other person should think about a problem and work with their partner to prepare an “I” statement.”

• Give participants 10 minutes to prepare their “I” statements. If they can, ask participants to write down their “I” statements on paper.
• As a group, ask a few pairs to share their “I” statements.

Closing

Ask participants to commit to using an “I” statement the next time they have a disagreement with someone. Suggest that the first time, they try using an “I” statement to express a positive feeling to a friend (for example, “I feel happy when we can spend time together).

Thanks the participants for their participation.