Fair Arguing

Préparation

• To encourage honest discussion and learning in a safe environment, this activity should be delivered in single-sex groups; i.e., only to men or only to women. The facilitators should also be of the same sex as the participants in the group (i.e. women facilitators should facilitate activities among groups of women), especially for any sensitive discussions. This activity may be conducted with adolescents and youth, but considerations should be given toward conducting activities with individuals grouped by similar ages. It should be emphasized throughout the curriculum that violence should never be tolerated or accepted. 

• If it would be helpful to your participants, write the main points of the discussion on a flipchart paper placed on the wall or other location where they can see. If not, lead the activity as a discussion only.
• Ask participants to sit in a circle.

Introduction

• Tell participants, “In this activity, we will practice skills for managing conflict. It can be difficult to avoid conflict; as people, we are all different, so we will have different opinions and preferences for how we live our lives. However, there are ways that we can try to avoid the anger, frustration and relationship problems that often come from conflict.”
• Ask participants, “What are some common reasons people disagree? Why does conflict arise in relationships?” Listen to a few responses.

Implementation: Learning the Fair Arguing Rules

• Ask participants to share some ideas for fair arguing. “What are some rules that could be used to help resolve conflict in a healthy way?” 

 

•  After discussing the participants’ ideas about conflict resolution, tell the participants, “I am going to share some ideas for fair arguing rules that can help resolve conflicts. We will discuss each rule.” 
• Readout each of the fair arguing rules. After you read each rule, ask participants if they agree with the rule, how they think it would help resolve conflict, and whether they think it’s possible. Give participants a few minutes to respond to each question before reaching out to the next rule.

• Rule 1: Discuss one problem at a time. If your partner makes a complaint, try to focus on that complaint and avoid countering with another separate complaint.
• Rule 2: If you can, choose a good time to discuss the problem. Try to pick a time when both people have free time and are not preoccupied with other thoughts or activities. This can help you discuss the problem calmly and focus on finding a solution.
• Rule 3: Use active listening when discussing a problem. Listen to and consider the other person’s point of view. Acknowledge their feelings.
• Rule 4: Use “I” instead of “you”. Focus on describing how you feel about a problem, rather than pointing out what your partner has done wrong.
• Rule 5: Don’t insult the other person. This includes sarcasm, put-downs, blaming, swearing, and interruptions. Avoid trying to make your partner feel angry by talking about issues they are sensitive about.
• Rule 6: If you find that both of you are getting angrier, take a break and agree to return to the discussion when you are both calmer.
• Rule 7: Find opportunities to compromise. If your husband cares more about an issue more than you do, find a way to accommodate them.
• Rule 8: Don’t use any violence. This includes physical, emotional and sexual violence. 

Implementation: Case Study (1)

• Tell participants, “Let’s think about how these rules will work in practice. We will discuss how to use these rules in a conflict between a husband and wife.”
• Read out the following case study or ask a participant to read it out:

 

“A man finishes a long day at work and comes home to find the front door unlocked. His wife is at home cooking dinner and watching their two children. This is not the first time the wife has left the door unlocked and the husband is upset. 

 

The husband goes into the kitchen and says angrily to his wife, ‘This is the fifth time I have found the front door unlocked! You know how dangerous it is to leave it unlocked. Are you losing your mind?’

 

The wife responds, ‘why are you acting like a crying baby? Can’t you see how busy I am? Why don’t you help me instead of criticizing me?’”

Implementation: Case Study (2)

• Ask participants the following questions about the case study:
  • “What are the husband and the wife arguing about?” Possible response: They were arguing about the unlocked door as a safety concern. The husband is upset that the wife is not being responsible.
  • “What were their emotions by the time they started the argument?” Possible response: The husband was tired after work and frustrated by the repeated errors by the wife. The wife was busy cooking and caring for the children at the same time.
  • “Thinking about the fair arguing rules we discussed, is there anything that the husband and wife did that make it more difficult to resolve the conflict?” Possible responses: Insulted each other; speaking with anger; discussing the problem when they were already tired, stressed and busy; they used “you” sentences to describe the other person’s flaws.
• Tell participants that you will read some examples of different ways that the husband and the wife could have resolved the conflict using fair arguing rules. Read the statements in the table below. After reading each statement, ask participants how the fair arguing rule was followed. Use the information in the table below to help guide the discussion. 

 

Statement	Fair Arguing Rule Followed
Wife says, “I’m sorry I left the door open, I was busy with the children. Can we talk about this after dinner and the children are asleep?”	Wife explains what some of her daily challenges are. She tries to think of a time when they are less busy and have time and energy to address the problem.
Husband says, “I noticed that the door was left unlocked again. I worry that this is unsafe and that anyone can come into the home and hurt you or the children. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”	Husband uses “I” statements instead of “you.” He does not insult his wife but speaks about how he feels.
Husband says, “What can we do to remember to lock the door behind us?”	Husband helps think through ways to solve the problem. He says “we” instead of “you” so that his wife does not feel like it is just a problem she has to fix.

 

• Ask the participants if they feel that they can use some of the strategies discussed in their daily lives. Listen to some responses before closing.

Closing

Tell participants, “It is difficult to avoid conflicts in relationships. But we can try to treat each other with respect and use these strategies to help us solve problems more peacefully. This change is not going to happen right away, but the more we practice, the more comfortable we will feel using these skills.”